Loss of Contact

I don’t know if there is a more powerful moment in a person’s life than to wake up and suddenly realize what is at the heart of everything that holds you back.  To finally see through the web of self-obfuscation and lies, and to understand, or at least begin to understand, that all those things you wish you could change, have tried to change, are connected.  For me, the heart of everything that holds me back is fear.  Fear has caused in me uncertainty, worry, a desire to flee the situations I am in, avoidance, procrastination, an intense desire to be accepted by others, and addiction.  Every single one of these things contains yet more things, until a full list fills up the written page and makes me mourn for all the time and living I have lost by living in fear. 

I do not know where the road will lead today, or tomorrow, or a year from now.  But I know that today is the first day for something new.  A day of freedom, I think.  Because I know that I do not have to be afraid for even one more day.  God, thank You for giving me the freedom and strength to live free from fear.  I will trust in You.

In the silence of this moment I am reminded that what matters is not how much work is done tomorrow, how tired I am or what people think. What matters is bigger than all of that, yet so elusive it is always just slipping through our fingers. To grasp it, for just a moment, is to know joy. And to remember it.

When you read that title, what’s the first thing you think of? Maybe that it’s almost lunchtime, or how long that neighbor who keeps you up nights should be in prison. It could be the recommended ages for a board game, or how many pounds you should lose on that new diet. Three words and two numbers that can mean anything at all. For me, they are the number of months my mother has to live if her cancer treatment is unsuccessful, and I don’t know what to do.

It is a March,
Thursday morning;
my heart feels alive,
floating, like the pollen
on the wind.

I wonder what
life will be like
in a year, or more:
and then I recall
the secret

that was hidden,
but is no more:
life is what we
make of it, not
what we wait for

it to be.

With thanks to N.

It seems an inescapable fact of my life that, whenever I want something the most, it is both a. an inappropriate time to be wanting said thing the most and b. certain that, no matter what it is, I’m not getting it.

I’m pretty sure that “a” is foundational to the human condition.  But “b”. It makes me wonder. Am I doing something wrong? What is it that I’m missing?  I’d sure like to know.